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i fought the war
January 2006
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Saturday, January 14th, 2006 06:02 am
I'm really surprised when people don't realize I like boys right off. When a person gets all "WAIT, did I miss something?" I wanna be like "um, do you have eyes? or a fully functioning brain?" Oh, coworkers.

My job is decent. Once I really get into it I'll be able to make some good money. That's all that really matters. I might actually be able to put some money in my SAVINGS ACCOUNT this week. That's just weird. I really need to visit the city. I haven't been since fucking the end of last June. March, definitely March. I can make Taylor take me around all the different NYU places.

I've been absolutely obsessed with Siouxsie and the Banshees lately. Peepshow and Hyæna are my favorites most definitely. Even their last album, The Rapture, is pretty amazing. It's good they don't make music any more though. They had a new live album a couple years ago and it was horribly pretentious in the "we're going to play some of our poppiest singles, but in the most turgid, drawn out ways just because we can" way.

I just used the word turgid.

Oh right, I'm awake really early. I went to bed before 9 last night and woke up around 430. Ive been reading Doom Patrol and now I think its back to bed till 730 when I need to get up for work.

Two days off after today! I'm probably going to see John tomorrow. That should be interesting.


Also: I just realized I haven't done this since grade school. Falling asleep early on a Friday night and waking up at like 430 in the morning. I can distinctly remember falling asleep during like Hangin With Mr. Cooper or other TGIF shows and waking up to a Saved By The Bell marathon on TBS on several occassions. Then I'd reorganize all my books and watch Widget [which I always missed because it was on at 6am and I was never up by then] and Captain Planet. Oh fun times.

Current Music: Siouxsie and the Banshees~Dazzle

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Friday, January 6th, 2006 08:14 am
casual friday is fucking exciting.

Current Music: Siouxsie and the Banshees~Carousel

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Sunday, January 1st, 2006 07:53 pm
oh 2k5Collapse )

Current Music: Ladytron~High Rise

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Sunday, January 1st, 2006 03:05 pm
Two things

1. I just watched the Serenity DVD and there is a mini documentary on it about how Firefly got cancelled and how they ended up making Serenity and just had everyone talking about how hardcore the fans were. I'm really proud to be THAT big a nerd.

2. I think it's inevitable that I'm going to school in the city after HVCC.


now, food, Sin City and Harry Potter.

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Sunday, January 1st, 2006 12:56 am

for one, I stayed in tonight. Ive watched Working Girl and Im currently in the middle of Return To Oz.

then I drove to Albany and took my cousin and her roommate downtown so they could go out, even though its snowing hardcore. Im amazing...and they gave me $30. I even drove all the way up to the UAlbany campus to get one of their friends, who then called as we were turning onto campus to say she was in a cab. Yeah, but then when we were at Lark St she called to say the cab got on the thruway and got into an accident, so karma worked instantly.

my dad is currently in the spare bedroom putting together a desk, yeah, at 1am. Im doing laundry, because I went and got all sorts of hot business casual clothes [they played Sexy Results while I was in Express, it was amazing and caused me to spend $70 and not care].

gbf called me, he's somewhere in the city and said he missed me and he's a retard and I love him.

then, THEN, JOHN just called me. like, I didnt even know we were speaking. he's in Boston, it was confusing, but really nice at the same time. well, I guess that's not as over as I thought. who knowwwwwsssss.

I start my fulltime job Tuesday, and my new hours at CSC as well. it should be hell. but moneys, that I need terribly. Im so broke. and I still need a lot more pseudo dressy clothes so I dont feel like a bum at this new job. and I look pretty in pseudo dressy clothes. its a pain in the ass that Im super picky, super cheap and a fucking awkward size.

I think Im going to take myself to see Goblet of Fire tomorrow. Me and Sara still need to see King Kong. Im trying to drag Manda to see Brokeback Mountain because we havent really hung out in forever, barring random me dragging her drunk as to go downtown to SKYLINE on New Year's Eve.

2006 has a lot in fucking store for me...it should be interesting.

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Friday, December 30th, 2005 01:02 am
so. christmas happened. it wasn't so bad. the death by stomach cramps on eve was almost unbearable. [I typed craps first instead of cramps and had to take a minute to cackle.] I got movie passes and a $100 gift card to Crossgates.

I have two jobs now. One is full time during the day doing RECON for ACS, I'm keeping the part time night job. I will probably go insane, but it will be money, lots of it.

Brokeback finally opens here this weekend. I need to still see Goblet of Fire and King Kong. Then I still have one movie pass left. Fun!

Business casual shopping today for new job with my giftcard didnt bear much in ways of greatness, barring one hot pair of navy pants from The Crap. Damn you 33x34 legs. I need to figure out what my other measurements are so I can purchase a dress shirt or two that actually fucking fit my gangly body.

I bought Sin City Recut Extended Unrated and Serenity instead of clothes that were only somewhat awesome. Marshall's needs to be attacked tomorrow after I get paid. I need grey pants and sweaters.

I've been really thinking about where I want to go after I finish my Associates at HVCC. I really need to do some research and see what schools have good language and art history programs. Anyone know of anything? I'm really treating it as money is no object, I just want an amazing education in an amazing place. I can deal with the lifetime debt of student loans.

I think it's funny that most gays get scared I'm going to rediscover my latent heterosexuality because I dated a girl for two years. Silly gays.

Current Music: Death From Above 1979~Sexy Results [Mstrkrft Edition]

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Thursday, December 22nd, 2005 02:50 am
I got my own login information at work tonight. I'm special.

I spent the entire night giggling about the spoken word breakdown from "Be Mine" by Robyn and the fact that Ive totally been walked in on while riding cock.

I am my own best audience of ever.

Current Music: Robyn~Handle Me

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Sunday, December 18th, 2005 01:21 pm
I'm feeling much better about the holidays in general this year than I have in a very, very long time.

HOWEVER, while I'm not getting all crazy about it, everyone else is, and that's pounding me in the face. John has all this shit because of work and exes, let's not dwell on how I have it more together than a fucking 28 y.o, at least mentally, not with life in general. My family is being fucking ridiculous. Jenny is calling ALL the time. My dad is just being a 69 y.o, which like, we get along the best we ever have lately, but he's got all this 69 y.o man shit going on, and that's really gross and invasive to live with. Jessie's house flooded yesterday and I had stopped by and noticed water on the floor but didn't call her because SHE NEVER ANSWERS HER CELL and I figured it would be pointless, so now she's saying I'm fucking self-centered and I flipped out at her in an email. My dad is actually out of the house today so Jeffrey decides he should come down and CLEAN, because its so fucking dirty in this piece. We NEVER use these rooms and no one is ever here [beyond my room and the kitchen], so its basically spotless, I don't know what the fuck he was trying to prove, but I want to bury a knife in his chest.

All this, on top of me just FINALLY [I think, I really, really, really fucking hope] getting over the flu which kicked my ass for over a week and a half; my uncle [who Im barely close to, I havent seen him in years] getting diagnosed with prostate cancer; Manda saying they found abnormal cells in her pap smear, when her mom, my cousin Kim, got ovarian cancer really young; Scott totalling his car [he's fine, but still]; and fucking being broke.

I'm surprised I'm still as sane as I am right now. People are really fucking putting it to the test.


IN FUNNER NEWS [bullet points!]

- I finally hung out with gay best friend and he totally sucks at Monopoly Party. Sarah and Creosus totally fucking schooled us both though.
- Gwen was big fun. Ciara should never perform live ever. And for as super, and for how close we were, Gwen live is nothing compared to No Doubt live. Still fantastic.
- I've totally gained like 5 or 10lbs cuz I've been baking so much. Fattyyyyyy. I love it, yay cookies.


oh right, I started my job this week, it's bullshit data entry, but tedious and busy work enough to keep me distracted for the five hours a night Im there. and like, Ill start getting paychecks again. w00t.

I'm going to go be gay and creative in lieu of actually stabbing someone, then possibly ruining my life by watching the Six Feet Under Series Finale for the millionth time, because it's about time for a big old cathartic cry I think.

then I have to take Jenny Christmas shopping....ughhhh.

Current Music: Bettye LaVette~The High Road

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Saturday, December 17th, 2005 08:35 pm
while it's great for movie/tv news and gossip...Garth Franklin, the man behind darkhorizons.com isnt worth a shit as a reviewer

he just released a Top Ten WORST [yes, in caps] Films of 2005, and included was:

3. The Devil's Rejects
"There's no full review for this film because in all honesty, I walked out of it with twenty minutes to go (caught those 20 mins on DVD the other week though). A vile, ugly, self indulgent piece of work that's perfect if you love masturbating in your own blood. Gore doesn't bother me, cruelty played out for its own sake, and more often than not for vicarious pleasure as it is in this film, is just sickening. Its films like this, and to a lesser extent some scenes in the infinitely more enjoyable "Sin City", that help me understand why so many guys out there are simple minded, violent shits in need of some serious therapy".


Yes, it's vile, ugly and self indulgent. That's the fucking point. And the fact that he walked out BEFORE the last 20 mins which really, is one of the best fucking climaxes a movie has ever had, I don't understand. This AND Sin City are awful and misogynist and two of the most fucking amazing movies ever made because of those two facts among several others.

I hate Garth Franklin.

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Monday, December 12th, 2005 10:13 pm
GUESS WHERE I'LL BE WEDNESDAY NIGHT

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


...now I go back to baking my gay little heart out.

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Tuesday, December 6th, 2005 08:25 am
hahaha, these are retardedCollapse )

Current Music: Fischerspooner~We Need a War

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Monday, December 5th, 2005 07:25 am
I have an interview at some software company in a couple hours. It's in fucking East Greenbush, but Ill manage. It's through an employment service, whom Ive already interviewed with. So basically, they're super desperate, and Ill enter medical claims like nobody's business for them.

I slept home last night. It was weird, but I figured I needed to be well rested for the interview. Of course, that just means I wake up at like 5:47am, because my body got confused by the early bedtime.

Im reading Doom Patrol. I need to read Animal Man after this. I really <3 Grant Morrison.

I had John watch Freeway and Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby. He loved both. In the ways I love them. So, I win.

80s night. John slept. I went alone. Creepy dude that molested me the one time I went with that gross named Dave was there and kept dancing in front of me. Willett kids arrived. Topless dancing on the stage ensued. Poor little girl that danced with me while I was there alone was terrified of me by the end of the night. Gay dude bartender charged me more for my drink than hot chick bartender, wtf man, wtf. Gross named Dave's one friend was there, I kept calling her a cunt, she barely had the courage to give me a dirty look. What now. There should be pictures soon...I think.

Almost died yesterday. Assholes drive too fast in the snow/wet/icy and get in accidents on offramps between major [for Albany] highways and cause others to almost go through guardrails when trying not to crash into said car. It was terrifying, and I was hungover/sick on top of it. Yesterday was pretty lame. [I <3 my tank of a station wagon with its all terrain mode.]

I'm genuinely excited by the fact that when my hair gets long enough I can go and get an amazing haircut at the salon both Jessie and Scott go to, and it won't be horribly expensive.

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Saturday, December 3rd, 2005 01:52 pm
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

It's crazy how much I still miss her sometimes.

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Friday, November 25th, 2005 01:50 pm
I'm getting a little ambitious. Well, I will be getting a little ambitious.

I'm expanding my scope a bit for school. I'm still going to get the bullshit AS in Accounting from HVCC, hopefully being able to fit in at least a couple electives of Spanish, Studio, or Art History. Once I have a nice little bullshit degree and certificate and fucking immaculate GPA, I'll continue on somewhere [New Paltz is a possibility] to get my BA in Art History [hopefully concentrating on architecture, or modern art, maybe I could even warp it into a nice little study or music and film] and either a double major or at least a minor in Spanish.

Speaking broken Spanish with John lately has me really disappointed in myself at how much I don't remember and kind of surprised at some of the stuff I do remember. I dont NEED to be fluent, I would just like to strengthen my working knowledge of the language.

In the middle of all this, I hope to pick up some German and Studio classes as well. The next few years are going to be pretty fucking interesting.

p.s. Hooverphonic's new album is fucking beyond brilliant, of course.

AND

I'M FUCKING SEEING GWEN STEFANI AT THE TURNING STONE CASINO! HELLO, 300 SEAT PERFORMANCE AREA. I keep giggling to the point of tears. It's fantastic.

Current Music: Hooverphonic~Ginger

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Sunday, November 20th, 2005 12:04 am

I was reviewing your resume and I would like to schedule you to come in for an interview for our new faces department. I know this is last minute however; I have only two available appointment time slots next week and they are for this Tuesday Nov. 22 at 10:30 a.m. or 1:30 p.m. Please email me back to confirm which appointment time works best for you.

We are looking for a Talent Scout to identify potential actors, models, and musicians in the New York area. Even though you do not have direct experience in this field, I feel your background would allow you to be a successful scout.

I am very proud of our New Faces division as we have just placed a variety of talent with a major agency this past week and can not wait to expand this department. In addition we are just planning the layout for our third issue of our magazine. We also began working with Paul Roberts, a very established modeling agency for over 15 years, based in Australia. I think you will be quite impressed with what we are doing and can not wait to share my vision with you and hopefully bring you on board. I am looking for people to get started ASAP.

At Impact 210, we share a passion for the entertainment industry and helping talented people. This passion takes different forms: interviewing new talent, conducting research and working in sales, services and operations. It's a shared passion for innovation, exploration and creativity, and a belief in the value of Impact 210's standard of excellence and the difference our services can make in people's lives.

We are not a service that charges talent an upfront fee to enroll. Our headquarters are in NY, and we are in the midst of an international expansion program. I am looking to start someone
with the following:

Base Salary after training, Commission, and Bonuses that total $60 - $82K per year
Top benefits package
Rapid Advancement Opportunities
Tuition reimbursement program
Paid Vacations and Holidays

I look forward to meeting with you this week and await your confirmation. If you have any questions please email me.
Our office is located at 447 Broadway New York NY 10013 on the 4th floor. If you need to speak with me directly please contact my executive assistant Wendy at 212-334-5325.

Thank You
Sincerely,
Michael Fomkin - President
447 Broadway 4th Floor
SOHO , New York , N.Y 10013
1-888-SOHO-210
www.impact210.com
www.impact210themagazine.com

This e-mail is confidential and may well be legally privileged. If
you have received it in error, you are on notice of its status.
Please notify us immediately by reply e-mail and then delete this
message from your system. Please do not copy it or use it for any
purposes, or disclose its contents to any other person. To do so
could violate state and Federal privacy laws. Thank you for your
cooperation. Please e-mail contact@impact210.com if you need assistance.

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Thursday, November 17th, 2005 02:24 am
Im slowly going completely digital with my music and that makes me kind of sad. Actual CDs matter less and less to me. They watched The Big Lebowski on Veronica Mars and she actually did "the whole brevity thing" it was pretty amazing. LOST was pretty intense. The Fountain, the companion piece/lead in hardcover oversized painted graphic novel to the new Darren Aronofsky movie came out today, it's pretty fucking daunting. I'm definitely intimidated.

I had an interview yesterday. I think it went well. I was really ridiculous and giggling everytime the guy who was interviewing me left the room. He was all nerdy and cute and Im, again, ridiculous. It went super long and I made him laugh a few times. I'm taking these as good signs.

I haven't been sleeping alot this week. I keep needing to go to bed at like 1130 and staying up till like 330 anyway. Even though my eyes are falling out of my head burning. I wont let myself sleep later than 11 either. Im all messed up. It's a hoot.

Adium, the client I use AIM, MSN Messenger and Yahoo! Messenger through is, like, excessively customizable and you can download different Dock icons [for PC users: dock is a Mac thing, kind of like the Start menu on PCs to get to frequently used applications easily, but the dock is always on the screen or hidden off whatever side of the screen you have it on], and when you get IMed the icon for Adium bounces in the dock so you know you got IMed.

Well, I downloaded a set of Hobbes icons. When Adium isn't open, it's just stuffed Hobbes, when it's opening its Hobbes pouncing at you and when you get IMed it makes Hobbes dance. So now I get super excited whenever I get IMed because seeing Hobbes dance is one of the single greatest things in the world.

Applebee's chicken fried chicken made my fucking night tonight.

What else? Oh right, I'm single again. Uf.

Current Music: Imogen Heap~Daylight Robbery

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Monday, November 14th, 2005 12:18 am
Ive been listening to "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue alot lately. There needs to be some new black chick group/band/whatever that has that kind of ferocity again as a whole. The solo artists definitely have it under control but where are our groups people?!

Anyway, I finally FINALLY saw The Devil's Rejects yesterday. So of course today I went and rented House of 1000 Corpses and then watched The Devil's Rejects again. Rejects is superior by far.

Im finally fucking done with my antibiotics as of today as well, which is really nice.

psfh, Im tired. f this.

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Thursday, November 3rd, 2005 09:36 pm
Im feeling pretty insane.
Yesterday I was all gross but nothing terribly flu-like.
This morning, I woke up and proceeded to empty my stomach from both ends [yes, you need that visual]. I don't vomit. Ever. That's how you know I'm sick.

I'm sure I have bird flu. Say your goodbyes.

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Monday, October 31st, 2005 01:47 pm
maybe next year that crazy Halloween spirit won't evade me completely. I doubt it.

doesn't mean Ill stop the endless parade of ridiculous horror movies from netflix though.

Current Music: pussy liquor, makes you sicker

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Sunday, October 30th, 2005 12:58 am
so who's the super cool kid who gets randomly hardcore sick three hours before he was going to actually go out for once?

yeah. this is fucking awful.

Current Music: Sia~Rewrite

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Friday, October 28th, 2005 03:45 pm
Modern, Cool Nerd
65 % Nerd, 52% Geek, 17% Dork
For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!

Congratulations!
THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST




My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 71% on nerdiness
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 76% on geekosity
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 15% on dork points
Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Current Music: The Faint~Worked Up So Sexual

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Tuesday, October 25th, 2005 03:28 pm
Preface: I'm attempting to go to school again as of this coming Spring semester.

My last semester at SUNY Albany [Spring '04] I withdrew by like March 3rd because I wanted to die there. When I withdrew they sent all my financial aid back so I was left with a debt to the school for the entire semester. I obviously don't have money like that, so it couldn't be paid off. This went to the New York State Attorney General's Civil Recoveries Bureau and I almost had to go to court for it, but I called them and set up a payment plan. Said payment plan has an amazing interest rate and takes me into 2011 to get it all paid off. Done and Done.

Right?

No. Now that I am trying to go to school again I need my transcripts from SUNYA, New Paltz and CCHS. SUNY Albany has a hold on my account because of all this nonsense. I finally went there today to talk to them about it and they said they cant take off the hold until the debt is paid in full. This means they won't release my transcript to Hudson Valley. The debt is still almost $4,000. I called the Civil Recoveries Bureau after I left SUNY to make sure this was something that had to be done. I guess its a state law that I do have to pay the debt in full or the hold won't be taken off.

I called Hudson Valley to see if I could just take SUNY Albany off my application because I only got 6 credits from there anyway and it seemed like my only option. I don't care if these 6 credits get used or not, they are pretty useless to begin with and if its this much trouble for them, then who cares. But Hudson Valley said that because I already sent in the application and had SUNY Albany on there there is no way to take it off now and that they wont be able to admit me without the transcript from them. Which, I think, is complete bullshit.

I actually want to fucking go back to school and get a degree and all that bullshit and now I literally can't.

Anyone have any ideas where I can come up with a bunch of money super quick?

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Monday, October 24th, 2005 01:17 am
http://www.cohoesmusichall.com/myfairlady.php

the boy is in this show and he made the website, so go ooo and awww and stuff for me


in other news, Im watching movies for eternity still

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Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 10:41 am
comfy chair. excessive amounts of dvds.
all day.

Current Music: Astaire~L-L-Love

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Saturday, October 22nd, 2005 11:17 pm
so I was totally a lame boyfriend tonight. I feel bad.


but this distracted me for a minute:
me: BOY WAS I WRONG ABOUT THAT POOP BEING UNFULFILLING
lollerjaci: hahaha
lollerjaci: IM SO GLAD
lollerjaci: you just evacuated your bowels.
me: it just dropped right now
me: no work
me: and it was HUGE
me: I just gave birth
me: I feel so light
me: lets go play tennis
lollerjaci: hahaHAHAHAHA
lollerjaci: AJHAUR *OHS(U)TT(JO SI()E$TS({TE
lollerjaci: HAHAHA omg
lollerjaci: best few sentences ever

Current Music: Richard X~You [Better Let Me Love You X4] Tonight [f. Tiga]

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Thursday, October 20th, 2005 09:39 pm

cute little news tidbit snagged from Billboard.com

Goldfrapp is in the midst of European headlining shows and support slots with Coldplay through Nov. 29 in Paris. A one-off New York show is in the works for December, to be followed in February by a month-long U.K. trek.


oh hayyyyy

Current Music: The New Pornographers~From Blown Speakers

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Thursday, October 20th, 2005 12:56 am
I finally finally finally saw Totally F***ed Up

and um, anyone who is decent and even remotely homosexual owes just about everything to that movie. the music, the speak, the lowercase and bracketed text, all of it.

and hi:
"Tom Cruise: Rock Hudson For The 90s"

it's mind blowing that this movie is 12 years old.

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Tuesday, October 18th, 2005 02:10 pm
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. 299 7.92
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 644 7.89
Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks. 809 7.86
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. 201 7.86
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. 673 7.75
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". 352 7.75
Chuck Norris only goes to women doctors, that way he doesnt feel like a homo during the "cough" test. 90 7.72
One time, while Chuck Norris was filming an episode of "Walker: Texas Ranger", the production team brought on a guy to hold up cue cards. Norris roundhouse kicked that guy in the pancreas, and proceeded to speak every line in the script in perfect Swahili, just out of spite. 75 7.69
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 407 7.69
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 662 7.69
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 600 7.68
Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once. 723 7.67
Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face. 537 7.67
In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed. 684 7.67
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." 505 7.65
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 419 7.64
Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom. 165 7.62
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 400 7.62
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 568 7.61
Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. 825 7.6
The government called upon Chuck Norris to destroy an asteroid the size of Texas. Chuck Norris rode on top of rocket with nothing but a fork and a cherry bomb. Needless to say the asteroid lost. 658 7.6
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids. 213 7.59
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. 515 7.58
Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. 649 7.57
Chuck Norris hated watching Wilford Brimley's Diabetes commercials so much that he blew a 90 mph load down his throat from 15 miles away. Wilford will never have low blood sugar ever again. 76 7.57
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day. 82 7.56
Each red and white blood cell in Chuck Norris' bloodstream has its own beard. 263 7.56
Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down. 664 7.56
Chuck Norris once ordered a pepperoni pizza. When he discovered that they had forgotten the pepperonis, he roundhouse kicked the delivery boy and stapled him to the pizza and ate it. 76 7.55
In 1989, Phil Collins challenged Chuck Norris to a drinking contest. Collins passed out after the 6th shot of moonshine. Chuck Norris went on to drink 12 more shots and a pint of antifreeze just to prove Collins a pussy. This, of course, led to the fall of the Berlin Wall later that year. 286 7.53

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Sunday, October 16th, 2005 10:38 am
According to the "Which Big Lebowski character are you?" quiz:




Why don't you check it out? Or we cut off your Johnson!


Current Music: bis~Two Million

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Wednesday, October 12th, 2005 11:02 am

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Current Music: Tori Amos~Raspberry Swirl

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